I feel like my life isn’t my life anymore.
Saying that is kind of funny because I have always strived to make my life everyone else’s life. I have wanted to be be expandable to every and all people who have come into my life, in hopes of simply making their life better. I am strong enough for that. I have done it my whole life. I take on the extra stress, the lack of sleep, the constant checking up on people; all while leaving myself behind.
Lately I have felt like a prisoner of my own life. It is dictated by a mean lady who doesn’t understand that it is she who should be home for 40+ hours with her cancer stricken child every week not me. I am held to the responsibility of clocking into and out of a job where I am under paid and under appreciated. (I have the project manager of 4 out of 5 main events in my office. When I asked to get taken off of one I was ridiculed for a week- I swear it is easier this way.) On top of that I have school and my students in Cambodia.
In the process I have lost my motivation to keep my health a top priority. Instead I nag and knit pick at the few pounds I gained and I’m disgusted when I look in the mirror again. But instead of being able to do something about it, I am unmotivated to make food, to meal prep, to go to the gym.
The only time I have to myself begins after 9PM where I have to schedule in homework, lesson plans, running a scholarship fund, non-profit, writing a book, working out and possibly breathing.
I am so worn down.
More worn down than I have ever been.
When did I lose my motivation and tenacity to make my life my own? How do I become strong enough to get out of my emotionally abusive job of being a nanny? Will I ever have sufficient amount of energy again?